::Depressed::

UGH!!! I hate this so much!!
I have been having a bout of depression for the past few months and it sucks... But I have been noticing that it is not just triggered because I get upset, It is being triggered by things at home...
I honestly dont understand why it is so hard to want to better your self, your home, your family...
I just want my home to be nice finally....Well I dont ever see that it will be.. UNLESS I DO IT ALL ALONE...Which really I can't... There are some things here I can't do...
I dont think I can take the boys bunk beds down...I can't fix the livingroom floor...There are just so many things that need to be done and they are not getting done.. Our car needs fixed..NOT DONE... Our hallway needs painted..NOT DONE.. The boys beds need to come down and their room done... NOT DONE.. My livingroom floor needs fixed in one area..NOT DONE... I understand there needs money to do alot of things but the only thing right now that takes money is fixing the car and the floor...Mortage for the trailer LATE.. Rent to the park owner LATE... Phone about to be shutoff and prbably same as elec..It is just horrible.. We haev to take my MIL's car back to her and that means ours needs to be fixed ASAP! Can't do that myself...
So I am just going to make a list of evrything in this house that needs done.. IF I can do it.. I WILL!!
I am no longer going to wait patiently... Hubby asks me all the time, why do you get so upset over these things..UM WELL ..Could it possibly be that I have been asking for a YEAR! For this shit to get done and it DOESNT!!
Hubby may read and this and he may not, I am not real sure if he reads my blog or not..but I hope if he does he will understand where I am coming from and get his shit together... He has had off of work the past 2 days and did NOTHING... Oh wait I change that, he did a few loads of laundry and piled them on the couch..NICE! So guess who gets to fold them..ME.. I have asked him over and over again.. PLEASE DONT DO THE LAUNDRY... It is to much for me to fold at once...it takes forever..let me do the laundry so I can fold it load by load... Do something I have been asking you to do..W hat does he do..THE F'ing Laundry!!!!!! Kidding me right!!!!!!! I say please dont do the stuff Ican do please do the stuff I can't...What does he do? NOTHING I ASK HIM TO!!! It is so sad.... I can't get a job till our car is fixed, or a new one which will never happen...I have to get some kind of income coming in because his job is not cutting it! He did finally get his first check but nothing got paid.. So we are even further behind than before..OMG I AM JUST SO SAD OVER THIS..And I dont know what to do
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The stupid ass speech people WONT Call us back.. My baby needs to get in there ASAP, He may not be able to start kindergarten next year if he doesnt get in, I call every couple of days and what do I hear? We will be getting a hold of you..Well I am here allday everyday and if not I have an answering machine..they are NOT calling... I feel so bad because he is just getting more and more fustrated because we dont understand everything..he is also starting to use his own sign language stuff to show us what he is saying or he will go right to what he wants...it makes me sad that I can't help him!!
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Everything is just to much for me... My step sis has offered alot to come by and help me clean this shithole out but I just can't take her up on it...I hate having people here it is so embarrassing ... I have never felt this miserable and embarrassed in my life. I barly want to leave my house anymore I just dont want to do anything...
I dont know how else to get my husband to do the shit HE NEEDS to do!!
And Christmas coming..HA That is a joke and a half now.. I was starting to get ready to get into it and I just can't now... I just for once would like to hear the boys got the big things or even the little things they want... I wish for once I did not have to shop a few days before christmas..
Sonderful needs new clothes SO BAD... I get handmedowns for Sonshine but not Sonderful he is the biggest in the family, so there is no one to get them from... I can't use my c.s checks that I recieve for him on them because they haev to get us by...Just once I want to take him shopping and feel good..he has ONE pair of jeans that fit him good and ONE pair that is too small.... I HATE HATE HATE THIS....