::I'm Scared::
Of everything!!!
Today was bad with B. And it all started because he had a damn smoke in the bathroom.. I HATE SMOKING IN THE BATHROOM!! I have asked him for the 5 years we have lived here NOT to do it yet he still does, to me that show total disrespect!
I got up and soon as I opened the bathroom door I about died, And I smoke! It was so smelly and smokey in there I lost it!
I just don't think he respects me and that is huge for me.. I am all about the respect and I expect that with my family too. I give it 100% if you give it back to me!
Things are so very shaky right now, and I am just scared.
I am still so confused, I dont know what will help us. I don't want to completely give up but yet he is not doing anything to make me want to stay! It is so sad!
Ofcourse he says he does, says he loves me so very much and that if I left him it would kill him. Well it would kill me too.. He said how he thought things were getting better and we are reconnecting, Where he sees that I have no idea, and I told him that today..
I also said alot of other things, I just can't live like this and I have to make a decision it is not fair to me, him or our boys!
Thats another thing, the boys.. I try and try and try NOT to fight around them but I get so mad and upset I yell.. I can't help it.. Today I heard Sonshine ask B why Mommy yells at him(Brian) all the time.. OMG THAT KILLED ME! I am so hurt by this!
That really really makes me feel like shit! I wish I knew how to control my yelling, I am so so so scared that my children are being affected because when I get angry or upset I yell.. I don't breath and walk away I yell... I KNOW it is affecting them or Sonshine would never say something like that... I don't know how to help myself, How the hell am I supposed to help my kids or my Husband if I am so miserable all the time, and making them that way!
I don't know what to do, I need help I think and I am afraid to get that help! I honestly don't think I am good for anyone the way I am right now! I don't want to get out of bed, I dont want to clean, I dont want to do anything anymore and it makes me so sad to be this way,I know I can't be making life altering decisions while my mind feels the way it does.. But I dont know how to help my self or where to begin. I thought I could just push it away and I thought I could just make myself better, I have gone my whole life depressed and I have made it this far. But now it is startin to affect the way my kids think of me and I dont want them to end up miserable and hating me... And I am scared that I think I have passed the depression on to Sonderful. He used to be such a happy go lucky kiddo,Sometimes he is just a bump on a log! OMG What am I doing? How in the hell have things gotten this bad? And how do I fix it? What do I do?
Today was bad with B. And it all started because he had a damn smoke in the bathroom.. I HATE SMOKING IN THE BATHROOM!! I have asked him for the 5 years we have lived here NOT to do it yet he still does, to me that show total disrespect!
I got up and soon as I opened the bathroom door I about died, And I smoke! It was so smelly and smokey in there I lost it!
I just don't think he respects me and that is huge for me.. I am all about the respect and I expect that with my family too. I give it 100% if you give it back to me!
Things are so very shaky right now, and I am just scared.
I am still so confused, I dont know what will help us. I don't want to completely give up but yet he is not doing anything to make me want to stay! It is so sad!
Ofcourse he says he does, says he loves me so very much and that if I left him it would kill him. Well it would kill me too.. He said how he thought things were getting better and we are reconnecting, Where he sees that I have no idea, and I told him that today..
I also said alot of other things, I just can't live like this and I have to make a decision it is not fair to me, him or our boys!
Thats another thing, the boys.. I try and try and try NOT to fight around them but I get so mad and upset I yell.. I can't help it.. Today I heard Sonshine ask B why Mommy yells at him(Brian) all the time.. OMG THAT KILLED ME! I am so hurt by this!
That really really makes me feel like shit! I wish I knew how to control my yelling, I am so so so scared that my children are being affected because when I get angry or upset I yell.. I don't breath and walk away I yell... I KNOW it is affecting them or Sonshine would never say something like that... I don't know how to help myself, How the hell am I supposed to help my kids or my Husband if I am so miserable all the time, and making them that way!
I don't know what to do, I need help I think and I am afraid to get that help! I honestly don't think I am good for anyone the way I am right now! I don't want to get out of bed, I dont want to clean, I dont want to do anything anymore and it makes me so sad to be this way,I know I can't be making life altering decisions while my mind feels the way it does.. But I dont know how to help my self or where to begin. I thought I could just push it away and I thought I could just make myself better, I have gone my whole life depressed and I have made it this far. But now it is startin to affect the way my kids think of me and I dont want them to end up miserable and hating me... And I am scared that I think I have passed the depression on to Sonderful. He used to be such a happy go lucky kiddo,Sometimes he is just a bump on a log! OMG What am I doing? How in the hell have things gotten this bad? And how do I fix it? What do I do?
posted by ::Ali:: at
4:28 PM
5 Comments:
Ali, i'm so sorry. We do have to really work sometimes to keep our temper in front of our kids, and sometimes others struggle to feel like we're respected with our spouses. I will say a prayer for you tonight. I hope that you can find peace and find the answers you need to make a decision. Limbo certainly is not good for anyone. HUGS, ~April
I agree with April. Have you thought about going and talking to a theripest (sp). That might help.
Thank you!
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