At the end of my F'ing rope!!

BEWARE F WORD THROWN IN ALOT!!
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OMG! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
OMG I totally need a break! This is just miserable!!
I sooo did NOT want to wake up in a mood like this.. I pity anyone that fucks with me today! Seriously!
I wake up this morning BEFORE the alarm to Sonderful telling me that Sonshine crapped his f'ing pants lastnight, IN HIS SLEEP! OMG HE IS 4!! So I am making him an appt, he has to quit peeing the bed, but shitting it...OMG Why ? How? ONLY AS A BABY DID THAT EVER HAPPEN!!
his poor little bottom was so red and it hurt him so badly, I had to throw him in a nice warm bubble bath at 7 am, And he tried to clean it up before I knew about it, which is great, But it just made things worse, ya know.. Oh I just feel so bad for yelling at him like I did, and crying hysterically,but you guys, I mean a person can only deal with so much, and right now God is throwing to much at me and I don't know why =( =( =(

It was so gross, and the poor kid had to have done it early in the night or the middle of the night, NOWAY did it happen shortly before he woke up.. So before I even had a cup of coffee I am cleaning up shit! I was histerical and crying! I feel completely bad but I freaked the hell out!
I just couldn't take it, I made my boy cry and that bothers me more, and makes me even more mad, I just yelled and started crying, I just can't take anymore really!

All in all this really just topped the cake.. I am just so fed up with everyfrickenthing! I am fed up that Sonderful won't do his f'ing homework after school, I have to bring it up, I am so tired of Sonshine NOT cleaning up toys or things he plays with or gets into, I am tired of my Husband and his shit!
I am tired of living in a shithole trailer, being broke as hell all the time, borrowing from peter to pay paul so we are broke already at paycheck day! And I mean really broke to the point where we have ZILCH money, And lots of people have stuff to draw from, able to put some in the bank, We dont even have a fucking bank acct.. We ONLY have money the day he gets paid and a few days later, seriously it is so embarrassing and sad.. And he makes ok money.. It is not the greatest or anything but I am sure we would be doing ok...
I am tired of my rent being late, I am tired of the fact that I am stuck in this piece of shit allday long with no friends around or family that visits, I am tired of being embarrassed with my life! I am tired of my boys doing without because we *can't afford it* BULLSHIT!! No more..If my Husband doesn't want to help the situation I will.. I have to.. Someone has to put these two boys first, they are and ALWAYS will be the most important people in this world and I will do anything for them!!!
Did I mention I was just tired?

Really things are that bad with me right now. I am sooo waiting for the ex's income tax so I can just get the hell outta dodge as fast as I can!
I am thinking screw a romantic getaway, I am going on one alone, seriously. I need some fucking time alone, I need some time to think about life, I need some time to sort life out, figure out if and where the road ends with my Husband and I, I seriously think I am going to take a weekend or a few days during the week after I get the money and just get away. I won't have the money to fly to Tx to visit Christine yet,but I will have the money for a few days away!!

What the hell is the point of going on a romantic getaway with a man who doesn't fucking want you anyway, What is the point of trying to save a marriage that is probably broken beyond repair, Or for surely is if only one person in the marriage is TRYING to do anything to fix it! Ya his excuse for NOT wanting to have sex with his wife.. "We need to do something so we don't have kids"
WTF? Are you kidding me, We had one scare and that produced Sonshine! It is not like every month I am worried I am pregnant.. We know how to prevent that from happening, I don't want more children, I know how to take precautions I am not a fucking moron!
What a lame ass excuse and he is full of fucking shit!
I don't believe that is the reason he has not wanted sex in OVER 6months.
This pissed me off more than anything in a long time, I can't believe he seriously stood there and said that to me!!

I am sad about it and it hurts more than anyone could ever know, but I am over with trying anymore! I am so hurt and sadden by the way things with us have progressed over this past year and really I dont know if I want it to continue.. I dont know if he will read this or not but if he does I hope he knows how much I love him and our family and how much I have tried to make things work but they just aren't! I want him to know that I will be forever grateful to him for giving my my wonderful wonderful Sonshine!!
But saddly love just isn't enough anymore! And people think marriage is just something that you say, I love him this should be easy, It doesn't work that way. He always says I love you, we love each other we can make it work.. No if you dont' try it wont work! And a person can only do so much ya know!!

Now I find out some info on my dad and stepmom lastnight, will find out some more today, but things there aren't looking so great either!!
I just don't know what to do anymore, But I do know that come summer, No way will my sons and I still be living here.. I think I will wait till after school is over but that is it, I will not be here after that!! My Husband wants to try to sell this place.. What a load of shit... NOWAY Is he gonna get anything for this place.. ESPECIALLY if he doesn't do anything to fix it up.. He always talks about selling it but you can't sell a half painted trailer with bad floors that anytime you can cave in, where the ceilling leaks and the fridge leaks, the kitchen sink leaks and OMG NO WAY , I AM SO OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!